The newest jokes are always at the top - enjoy!What Episcopalians BelieveEpiscopalians occasionally believe in miracles and sometimes even expect them, particularly during stewardship canvasses or when electing bishops or vicars—and especially whenrecruiting church school teachers. Episcopalians believe in ecumenical dialogue because they are certain that after all is said and done, everyone else is bound to become Episcopalian. Episcopalians strongly believe in Scripture, tradition and reason. While they aren’t sure what they believe about these three things, there is almost universal agreement that that is hardly the point. Episcopalians believe that everything in their life and faith is improved by the presence of good food and drink—not including lime-carrot Jell-O, tropical punch Kool-Aid, or canned tuna fish in any form. Episcopalians believe that anything worth doing is especially worth doing if it has an obscure title attached to it (e.g. sexton, thurifer, suffragan, cannon dean etc.). Likewise, Episcopalians believe that any place worth visiting is greatly enhanced by a name that only obliquely describes it (e.g. nave, narthex, sacristy, undercroft, church school supply room, etc.). Episcopalians believe that Coffee Hour is the eighth sacrament, but only of the coffee is caffeinated. Episcopalians believe that anthems are most efficacious if sung in Latin or German, especially during Lent. Episcopalians generally believe that they are the only people God trusts enough to take the summers off from Church. Some Episcopalians believe Rite I is the best expression of the liturgy. Some Episcopalians believe Rite II is better. Most Episcopalians haven’t noticed the difference; they just hope the whole thing gets over before noon. Humor snippets
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" ======= There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. ======== "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." ======== A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." ======== There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." ======== While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." ======== A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" ======== A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." ======== People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention. ======== Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." ======== The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! ========= When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees..... And when you are about to forward this message.... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers? Lenten HumorEach Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become Ole's neighbors were relieved..... until Friday night arrived. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water.... The Old Pastor Just Wanted To Go Like Jesus DidAn old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go." The Pastor's Kitten
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
Texas Beer Joint Sues Church Over Lightening Strike
In Mt. Vernon , Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. After the bar burned to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means". In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not." How he got into heavenA man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly Top Ten Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough10) You think Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob may have had a few hits during the 60's.9) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a W.W.I savings bond falls out. 8) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules. 7) A small family of termites has taken up residence in the Psalms. 6) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents. 5) You think Concordance involves dark grapes and music. 4) The priest asks you to turn to the book of Revelation, and you look it up in the Table of Contents. 3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries. 2) You keep falling for it every time when the adult class teacher tells you to turn to First Condominiums. And finally, the number one sign that you may not be reading your Bible enough: 1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd and His Ark of Many Colors." The next time you feel like GOD can't use YOU, just remember...Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old Isaac was a daydreamer Jacob was a liar Leah was ugly Joseph was abused Moses had a stuttering problem Gideon was afraid Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer Rahab was a prostitute Jeremiah and Timothy were too young David had an affair and was a murderer Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked Jonah ran from God Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt John the Baptist ate bugs Peter denied Christ The Disciples fell asleep while praying Martha worried about everything The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once Zaccheus was too small Paul was too religious Timothy had an ulcer... AND Lazarus was dead! More religious humor on the web (no warranty on links!)Ship of FoolsOld LutheranWhole books of humor!
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