The Lighter Side

The newest jokes are always at the top - enjoy!

What Episcopalians Believe

Episcopalians occasionally believe in miracles and sometimes even expect them, particularly during stewardship canvasses or when electing bishops or vicars—and especially when

recruiting church school teachers.

Episcopalians believe in ecumenical dialogue because they are certain that after all is said

and done, everyone else is bound to become Episcopalian.

Episcopalians strongly believe in Scripture, tradition and reason. While they aren’t sure

what they believe about these three things, there is almost universal agreement that that is

hardly the point.

Episcopalians believe that everything in their life and faith is improved by the presence of

good food and drink—not including lime-carrot Jell-O, tropical punch Kool-Aid, or canned

tuna fish in any form.

Episcopalians believe that anything worth doing is especially worth doing if it has an obscure title attached to it (e.g. sexton, thurifer, suffragan, cannon dean etc.).

Likewise, Episcopalians believe that any place worth visiting is greatly enhanced by a name

that only obliquely describes it (e.g. nave, narthex, sacristy, undercroft, church school supply room, etc.).

Episcopalians believe that Coffee Hour is the eighth sacrament, but only of the coffee is

caffeinated.

Episcopalians believe that anthems are most efficacious if sung in Latin or German, especially during Lent.

Episcopalians generally believe that they are the only people God trusts enough to take the

summers off from Church.

Some Episcopalians believe Rite I is the best expression of the liturgy.

Some Episcopalians believe Rite II is better.

Most Episcopalians haven’t noticed the difference; they just hope the whole thing gets over

before noon.

Humor snippets

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees..... And when you are about to forward this message.... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?

Lenten Humor

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill

on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was

Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted

over Ortonville, and all the way to Clinton, and was causing

such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked

to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become

a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended

Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You

were born a Lutheran; raised a Lutheran; but now you are a

Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved..... until Friday night arrived.

Again the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the

neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he

rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to

scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water....

which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and

chanted: "You vuz born a deer; you vuz raised a deer; but now

you is a walleye!"

The Old Pastor Just Wanted To Go Like Jesus Did

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go."

The Pastor's Kitten

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'

She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.'

She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Anyone can count the seeds in an apple; but only God can count the apples in a seed.

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church Over Lightening Strike

In Mt. Vernon , Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. After the bar burned to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

How he got into heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly

gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into

heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a

certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When

you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and

never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported

its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and

worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven

is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

Top Ten Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

10) You think Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob may have had a few hits during the 60's.

9) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a W.W.I savings bond falls out.

8) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

7) A small family of termites has taken up residence in the Psalms.

6) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

5) You think Concordance involves dark grapes and music.

4) The priest asks you to turn to the book of Revelation, and you look it up in the Table of Contents.

3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when the adult class teacher tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

And finally, the number one sign that you may not be reading your Bible

enough:

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your bedtime story:

"Jonah the Shepherd and His Ark of Many Colors."

The next time you feel like GOD can't use YOU, just remember...

Noah was a drunk

Abraham was too old

Isaac was a daydreamer

Jacob was a liar

Leah was ugly

Joseph was abused

Moses had a stuttering problem

Gideon was afraid

Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer

Rahab was a prostitute

Jeremiah and Timothy were too young

David had an affair and was a murderer

Elijah was suicidal

Isaiah preached naked

Jonah ran from God

Naomi was a widow

Job went bankrupt

John the Baptist ate bugs

Peter denied Christ

The Disciples fell asleep while praying

Martha worried about everything

The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once

Zaccheus was too small

Paul was too religious

Timothy had an ulcer...

AND Lazarus was dead!

More religious humor on the web (no warranty on links!)

Ship of Fools

Old Lutheran

Whole books of humor!